Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
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JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
CRYING
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!