calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
looks legit
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.