ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
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wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
A little too much information.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Anyone want a chair?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet