For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.