A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
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MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.