And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
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Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.