[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)