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doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
do horses think humans are hats
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE