[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
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I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time