The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
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[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Stop being racist to kettles.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…