Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)