Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
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My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I finally found a reason to live again.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Breaking news:
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.