Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
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Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist