I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
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Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
barbara was highly relatable
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Never forget.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
🤣
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.