6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
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what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter