me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
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Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
stand with me against insufficient seating
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler