Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.