everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
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Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I love wikipedia
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat