Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
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*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Stephen King ruined corn children for me