I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
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Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Whoa 😂
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.