[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
*Inspirational Tweets*
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds