If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.