A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
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An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.