Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
You Might Also Like
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
When your man makes a valid point
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80