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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?