Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
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Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don鈥檛. I want money.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I鈥檓 not very good at drawing giraffes.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off鈥FF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that鈥檚 important to you?
He didn鈥檛 seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it鈥檚 a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don鈥檛 you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
i was NOT expecting this 馃槶 watch till the end
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
One venti cheeseburger please.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we鈥檙e buying takeout?
ME: It鈥檚 my warm up sandwich.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I鈥橫 VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Wife: I鈥檒l bet you $100 you can鈥檛 go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?