*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
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*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Danger is very dangerous
My favorite type of men is ramen.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.