My time has come.
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Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
#Caturday
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,