Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby