My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
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During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
12. I think about this all the damn time
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
what
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?