What’s a Messi?
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there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries