Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
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[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”