I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
You Might Also Like
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?