*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?