Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
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Growing out my freckles.
looks legit
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Things will get butter, keep churning
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger