Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
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Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied