Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
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[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.