Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
For anyone who needs this today
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad