Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
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Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Good news
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*