They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Perfect
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse