My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
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cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.