Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.