Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam