[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
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(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.