When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
You Might Also Like
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
this will hang in the louvre one day
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*