I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.