can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
favorite tropes as memes
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.