[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
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*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
It’s a gift
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.