My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.