That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
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Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.